Long time no post.

March 29, 2007

It's been a long time since I posted some crap in here. Was very hectic last February and March.

 

Vacation started. It feels so good to wake up in the morning with nothing to worry about — unfinished works, surprise tests, recitations and such. And of course, no cramming.

 

Everyone deserves a break. We should enjoy every part of this I-am-so-damn-bored months because it's the only time we've got to relax. Boredom is something everyone is infuriated of having but if we come to think of it, we should be thankful for two months of being irked for having nothing to do. After all, we've been so drained for 10 months — restless, eye bugs getting bigger, pimples get to redouble and having the least time for ourselves.

 

I think it's such an innovative thought for the person who invented vacation of having it as something for us to chill out and at the same time, a time to be longed for and to yearn for those people who were with us in 10 months of exhilaration and responsibility.

 

May everyone be jovial this summer vacation and may this be a blissful preparation for another 10 months of burden. Haha!

 

 

February 14.

February 12, 2007

Tears fell from my eyes as I suddenly uttered the words unexpectedly. "I have always loved you. Being there for you is what I always wanted but I know I can't."

 

"Nice one. Nasaktan na naman ako ng dahil sa kanya."

 

It was my first thought in the morning. After what I knew last night, I decided not to speak with him. He has done enough. I never knew a thing from him. He was like lying the whole time.

 

I thought everything went well until I found out that he already has somebody. Yes. And they've been together for like, years!

 

But what's stupid was, I still continued being close to him. I didn't mind that he has a girlfriend. I let myself bleed for something not worth at all.

 

Patuloy kong iniisip na magkasama silang masaya kahit na alam kong ang sakit sakit na. Bakit ko iniisip yun? How amusing.

 

Lots of times, I think of ignoring him. You know. Cold treatment. But then again, I end up having happy conversations with him.

 

Oo. Ang tanga ko. Ang tanga tanga ko dahil nagpapakabulag ako. Hindi ko pinapansing hindi na siya pwede. Kaya patuloy akong nahuhulog sa kanya.

 

I want to hide from everything. It was all wrong. So I ran and ran as fast as I could, like escaping from reality. But no matter how fast and how far I tried to escape from the real world, I still don't care about what's happening and that, I still want to love him despite and inspite of everything.

 

Then, the sky poured its tears on the ground. As if it was trying to sway with my feelings–sadness, anger and confusion.

 

I didn't mind the torrential rain and the strong winds and still continued running.

 

Then, I saw someone coming my way. He has an umbrella with him. It was him, the guy I love but can't be mine. And he tried to follow me while I kept on escaping.

 

He was shouting my name. He continued to shout and run so fast that he lost grip on his umbrella. Me? I tried to be deaf. I let him shout and shout until he tore his tonsils apart. "I don't care. Has he ever shown he cared? Never. He just left me hanging and confused."

 

What I did was ignore,
ignore
and ignore.

 

That was for not telling the truth, for making me confused, for letting me feel this agony, for not feeling my love, for hurting me, for making me feel he loves me too though he just can't leave the other one, for making me fall for him, for giving me happiness though I have this intense anger at him, for making me smile though I want to cry..

 

Then, I stopped running. He grabbed my hand and tried to take me somewhere. But I refused to.

 

"What do you want?"

 

"Are you crazy? You're soaking wet. Come, let me take you home."

 

"No! Stop acting like that. You never cared anyway."

 

"You must be sick. I said, I'm gonna take you home."

 

"I said I don't want to."

 

"You're insane!"

 

"Yes! I am insane! And it's all your fault. You're the cause of all this pain. You made me fall for you but you never knew how much you mean to me. I know you don't need me. You have her! How dare you not say a word to me. We've talked about lots of things. How come you never mentioned a thing about your girlfriend? It hurts a lot that I knew it from something else. I hate you!"

 

"I'm sorry. It's not supposed to be this way–"

 

"Stop talking. I don't need to hear you're sorry."

 

Tears fell from my eyes as I suddenly uttered the words unexpectedly. "I have always loved you. Being there for you is what I always wanted but I know I can't. You have her, she has you. What am I gonna do? I have nothing."

 

Sometimes, you'd rather choose being hurt than letting go of the feeling. You continue loving a person though you know you can't have him. You manage to handle the pain and continue to make yourself bleed just to make him stay. And what hurts more is you can't let him know how you're really feeling. [Or maybe, you give him ideas, or sometimes clues. But you never reveal how you really feel towards him because of some matters.]

 

 

But it hurts more to pretend you never really loved him, when in fact he always meant a lot; to pretend you can let him go, when you want to make him yours.

 

Love isn't blind, it sees but it never minds.

 

"But though you caused so much pain, I still chose and choose to love you. It's no one's fault if I feel this way for you. It just came along. I wasn't even aware of its coming. You see, I really, really love you. And I know I still do eventhough you can't love me back."

 

I tried remove his hand from my arms, but he rebuffed to.

 

"Now I know. I'm so sorry. The truth is, I have loved you from the start. Maybe I just don't have the courage to let the other one go. But I'm also not couragious enough to hide, let go and try to turn my back on the way I feel for you. Yes, I have her and we've been together for years. But it was you whom I want to share my happiness with, it was always you whom I think of everyday, it was you who always make me smile during downfalls, it has always been you whom I love so much that it hurts a lot that I can't spend more time with you. I'm sorry for letting you feel this anguish. It's just that, I became desperate of having you that I didn't want you to know of what's happening."

 

Together with the rain, he came towards me and tried to catch my every breath–as he kissed me.

 

You can never really know what's going to happen. In love, you have to take risks. And you'll always end up being happy. All the pain and sacrifices will be reciprocated.

 

Spread love this Valentine's Day.

 

Advanced Happy Valentine's to one and all.

 

 

Birthday.

January 30, 2007

A birthday. A very exceptional event remarkable enough to reminisce the years of survival–the fact that an obstinate human child goes on to become an adult despite great odds.

 

It seems most like an ending–another year, gone. But it gives rise to a review of all the things accomplished in the past year, of gains that have been made, the great teacher of experience that has enriched life, even if some of its lessons have been learned painfully.

 

No less than it is an end is that it is also a beginning. Just as looking back on the past offers a sense of accomplishment, so does looking ahead to the future inspires new goals or lets us continue striving for the old ones. Every year, we are given this wonderful opportunity to begin anew.

 

But in all this looking ahead and behind, we might easily forget to examine the here and the now. We must pause and see what we have right now. Whatever we look back upon and wish that had been, whatever we look forward to and hope for, it turns out that those things that we need most of all are here with us today. That, at this very moment, each of us is showered by blessings untold and incomprehensible. We have more than we can possibly understand all at once. In daily living, trials and tribulations threaten to overwhelm us. So on the occasion of birthdays, let us take advantage of its exceptionality–it is, after all, only 24 hours compared to the 8,736 ordinary hours in the rest of the year–to pause and give thanks for all the things that we do have; and most importantly, for all the people who support us with the gift of love, a gift given not on just one day of the year, but everyday of every year.

 

I am aware that time has truly been passing for me. And with my special day, I catapult backwards through time, like paging through a picture album from back to front. And I realize that most of the other 364 days of the year surrender themselves to the haze of half-forgotten memory.

 

Are my sacrifices worth them all? Have I done the right things? Have I made the right decisions? Are my deeds enough to please people?

 

14 years.

 

It can never be enough to tell that I know every road I take in this life's journey. I am young, inexperienced, dependent and still learning. Some may tell I can't do things on my own yet. Others may not believe in what I can do. Still, some may think I am that innocent to not weigh things equally.

 

But this I tell you: I am not an idiot to not make things right. Maybe, you can see them wrong. But whatever I do leads to something I know can make me happy. And you can never let me take those back.

 

Cheers to me!

 

Cheers to being 14!

 

Cheers to February 2, 2007!

 

 

Negativity.

January 17, 2007

Imagine a girl walking around the school. She knows every person she sees. She smiles at them, gives them a wave, says hello and everybody waves back and smiles.

 

Inside the classroom, she takes every chance to socialize with people. She goes to one corner where people listen to music, talks to them and listens too. She then transfers to a group of girls talking about girl stuff and mingles with them. A group of camwhores, singers, guitarists, nerds, calogs, everybody. And actually, she's everyone's friend.

 

It's really nice to get along with people and it's always a pleasure to be noticed by them. But she feels like something's missing.

 

Is it because she's with herself all the time? Hmm. No. In fact, she's got some company.

 

Does she feel like everyone hates her around?

 

Does she want more and more friends and still not contented with the number of people she spends time with?

 

No, no and no.

 

Why am I feeling this? Maybe, things are really changing.

 

Me. I know I've changed. But, bringing my old self back isn't what I want. I don't want to be someone lame and quiet again. I just want some stuff back to what they were. I don't know why. But I think some things aren't right.

 

Am I happy at school?

 

Am I happy at home?

 

Am I happy with my friends?

 

Yes I am. But sometimes, happiness is empty

 

Friends. I enjoy being with them. You can see it in my laughters and smiles. Those silly stories we share, some funny stuff. All those going-at-the-canteen together, those tambayans, those chika marathons. But, am I really happy? Well, maybe I'm happy with what we're doing. But I just can't find that something everyone's looking for. That thing, that kind of happiness with just being with them, even without those silliness and jokes–why can't I find it?

 

And now, the million-dollar question of why. Why can't I answer it?

 

Is it me? Or I just don't feel like I'm with them though I really am because I don't fit in?

 

That's it. I feel like I don't belong.

 

Ask why to myself again and again. Isn't there anything else to do?

 

If I really don't belong, why am I always with them?

 

Why do they call me everytime they'll be doing something or going somewhere?

 

Is it really the fact that they enjoy my company? Or they just want something from me?

 

I don't know.

 

Do I really want to know?

 

I'm not sure.

 

=(

 

First Post.

January 9, 2007

new year, new blog. nalate nga lang. =D

 

alam ko nga late na, but i know i still deserve the chance to thank everyone for the year 2006. so, thank you!

 

2006. a year to remember. maraming nangyari, maganda at hindi. maraming dumating. maraming umalis.

 

mga highlights ng buhay ko noong 2006:

JANUARY
-naging close kami ni past. haha! wala akong maisip na matino e. para kasing wala na kong maalala sa month na yun.

 

FEBRUARY
-i turned 13.
-binalik yung phone ko after a month and a half of confiscation.
-unang aminan.[ni past]
-field trip.
-nagmuse ako sa NCR meet, nakilala ko si ryan.

 

MARCH
-madalas akong umiyak sa month na to.
-naadik ako sa blog hopping.

 

APRIL
-naconfiscate ang phone ko for a week. tapos, new phone na yung bumalik sa'kin.
-family trip to pagudpod. with vigan and baguio side trips.

 

MAY
-wala naman, puro internet at texting.

 

JUNE
-nagsimula akong magblog.
-second year na ko. nagsimula ng mag-adjust sa mga tao at new surrounding.

 

JULY
-wala akong maalala e. haha!

 

AUGUST
-sabayang pagbigkas. kinaladkad ako sa harap ng maraming tao. =D

 

SEPTEMBER
-accidentally, nadaanan ko ng GM ko si ryan. haha! ayun, naging close tuloy kami.

 

OCTOBER
-very first "date" with ryan. kasama si hazel. sikreto yun e. =D
-nagstart akong kausapin nung "ex" niya, na nung time na yun, sila pa ng hindi ko nalalaman from him. haha!

 

NOVEMBER
-ayan na. break na sila! dahil sa'kin.
-unang aminan.
-hmm. my first "something". =D
-bumili ako ng new phone.
-nangyari for the first time na may dinala kong guy sa bahay para ipakilala sa nanay ko. hahaha!
[basta, masaya tong month na to.]

 

DECEMBER
-first "something" na may audience. haha!
-pagiging close "muli" with john, camae and anna.
-nagglobe ako dahil napeste sa sun. =D
-i went to ryan's house. first time na may guy na nagdala sa'kin sa house nila to meet his fam.
-full of vanity tong month na to.

 

oh diba? what a fruitful year. haha!

 

sana maging masaya tayo sa year na to.

 

cheers for a more fruitful 2007!