Unfair.

September 1, 2007

Unfair is when you're not invisible but he notices you like thin air.

 

Unfair is when you're happy and contented with yourself, yet, it doesn't make you achieve the abscission of the feeling of being unwanted.

 

Unfair is when he's not really deaf but pretends to be one when you cry.

 

Unfair is when he's the one you need the most but can't be there for you for some reasons.

 

Unfair is when he treats you equally with his friends when in fact, you aren't just a friend.

 

Unfair is when he chooses to do something else than do something with you.

 

Unfair is when you feel you have no room for him, even for his family but has a big space for less important things.

 

Unfair is when you both took the risks to be with each other and just waste all the efforts and sacrifices over an unreasonable matter.

 

Unfair is when he's so bitter and you continue being sweet.

 

Unfair is when you know everyone deserves a second chance but he doesn't seem to acquiesce having yours.

 

Unfair is when you had forgiven him a thousand times but can't reciprocate your forgiveness even once.

 

Unfair is when he SWORE, [not promised, cause promises are made to be broken] but later on, breaks it.

 

Unfair is when you keep on waiting and you'll end up waiting for nothing.

 

Unfair is when he has moved on and you are left stranded.

 

 

Walang pasok kahapon at ngayon.

August 8, 2007

"I came to the point wherein I dared someone to push me off a cliff, just to see if I'm strong enough to fly."

 

Too much of pride and confidence. And in the end, I was broken.

 

For the person involved, if you're reading this and if you read what I gave you last Saturday, then you already know what I'm talking about. As you said, time wasn't enough. And so the papers I gave you. Well, it is, maybe. For those issues stated there. But words are relentless, so as for what I feel.

 

I'll make this short. I'm soooo lethargic.

 

Thank you kasi you care. I was really moved when you told me you want me to move on, want me to forget things, want me not to feel things you felt when you were involved in a relationship when you were still young. I know our ideas are paradoxical, and for me, it goes to show not in a way that we weren't really supposed to be together but to prove that we are different individuals. And having differences is having different feelings on things. Maybe it was really remorseful for you having experienced being "attached" at a young age. But for me? It was fine. Frankly speaking, tama lang ang lahat nung tayo pa. Hindi ako ipit. Hindi ako hirap. At siyempre, LEGAL. Yung nga lang, I was too dumb to put you into an unreasonable state of being unforgiven for a moment. And I'm really sorry for that.

 

Now, I'm hopeless.

 

 

Trying.

June 25, 2007

Another day for all of us. But today sure is better than the past days. Well, for me.

 

And really. Life must go on. Whether we like it or not, some pages in our story are better left unsaid and be forgotten in some way than just keeping them alive, making us feel the same pain over and over again. But I had to admit, this is harder than hard as you think. I mean, you kind of forget them sometimes, then after a while, you'll find yourself reliving the memories. It's more painful because you'll be waken up in the middle of dreaming and you'll evoke that you can't have them back.

 

One of the direst things you'll ever know is that, people somehow stopped missing you. But there must be something, right? Something that can put things back the way they were. Something that must've hindered it from happening. But, if what happened is the best way to be done, then, leave it there. Who knows? I mean, we're not yet at world's end. Maybe, everything will be made up someday. Not now.

 

The truth.

June 23, 2007

I entered a world counterfeited by my thoughts, thoughts that tell me not to open my eyes to the fact that I feel this twinge badly. And now, I am baffled with how I should feel.

 

I'm sorry if you can't understand what I'm saying or something, but it's tough for me to express this thing. But I'll try. I'm sure it's better this way. I mean, being honest.

 

Frankly speaking, I never thought this would be a big deal for me. I was aware it's gonna happen, I was ready. Assurance was something I believed I had but then, I lost it.

 

What I had was more than a settled and lingered instant. And all of a sudden, movement stopped and everybody stopped for more than the length of that moment. And then, it was gone.

 

 

Melancholia.

April 4, 2007

Hey guys! Wala lang. Feel ko lang magshare ngayon. Hindi na kasi ako nakakapagkwento e.

 

So, April 4 na ngayon. Ilang days na lang magbabakasyon na kami sa Singapore. It will be my third time to spend my summer at that country. Pero kahit ganun, parang, wala lang. Ang lungkot e. Although alam kong babalik din ako at 1 month and 2 weeks lang kami dun–something I know I should be thankful for. Normally kasi, whole summer kami nandun.

 

Ano nga bang meron?

 

Hindi ko kasi sineseryoso nung past months yung pagbabakasyon namin dun. Na parang, ok, wala lang yun, babalik din ako at sandali lang kami dun. Pero now that it's nearing, parang gusto kong bumalik sa past days na sana, I enjoyed every moment with the people I spend my everyday with.

 

Isipin niyo ng OA ako pero, malungkot talaga. Summer na nga lang meron tayo para magpakasaya kasama yung iba. Pag pasukan na, ipit na naman ang oras, daming ginagawa, laging busy. Tapos, lalayo pa ko. Mahirap pa dun, hindi uso ang unlimited sa roaming. Hahahh! Besides, hindi pinapadala sa'kin ng tatay ko phone ko.

 

Nakakapraning talaga. Hindi ko na alam gagawin ko. Tapos, I can't see him everyday pa.

 

Nakakalungkot talaga.

 

Good luck na lang sa'kin. Sana hindi maisipan ng tatay kong magstay ako dun for good.

 

 

Negativity.

January 17, 2007

Imagine a girl walking around the school. She knows every person she sees. She smiles at them, gives them a wave, says hello and everybody waves back and smiles.

 

Inside the classroom, she takes every chance to socialize with people. She goes to one corner where people listen to music, talks to them and listens too. She then transfers to a group of girls talking about girl stuff and mingles with them. A group of camwhores, singers, guitarists, nerds, calogs, everybody. And actually, she's everyone's friend.

 

It's really nice to get along with people and it's always a pleasure to be noticed by them. But she feels like something's missing.

 

Is it because she's with herself all the time? Hmm. No. In fact, she's got some company.

 

Does she feel like everyone hates her around?

 

Does she want more and more friends and still not contented with the number of people she spends time with?

 

No, no and no.

 

Why am I feeling this? Maybe, things are really changing.

 

Me. I know I've changed. But, bringing my old self back isn't what I want. I don't want to be someone lame and quiet again. I just want some stuff back to what they were. I don't know why. But I think some things aren't right.

 

Am I happy at school?

 

Am I happy at home?

 

Am I happy with my friends?

 

Yes I am. But sometimes, happiness is empty

 

Friends. I enjoy being with them. You can see it in my laughters and smiles. Those silly stories we share, some funny stuff. All those going-at-the-canteen together, those tambayans, those chika marathons. But, am I really happy? Well, maybe I'm happy with what we're doing. But I just can't find that something everyone's looking for. That thing, that kind of happiness with just being with them, even without those silliness and jokes–why can't I find it?

 

And now, the million-dollar question of why. Why can't I answer it?

 

Is it me? Or I just don't feel like I'm with them though I really am because I don't fit in?

 

That's it. I feel like I don't belong.

 

Ask why to myself again and again. Isn't there anything else to do?

 

If I really don't belong, why am I always with them?

 

Why do they call me everytime they'll be doing something or going somewhere?

 

Is it really the fact that they enjoy my company? Or they just want something from me?

 

I don't know.

 

Do I really want to know?

 

I'm not sure.

 

=(