February 14.
February 12, 2007Tears fell from my eyes as I suddenly uttered the words unexpectedly. "I have always loved you. Being there for you is what I always wanted but I know I can't."
"Nice one. Nasaktan na naman ako ng dahil sa kanya."
It was my first thought in the morning. After what I knew last night, I decided not to speak with him. He has done enough. I never knew a thing from him. He was like lying the whole time.
I thought everything went well until I found out that he already has somebody. Yes. And they've been together for like, years!
But what's stupid was, I still continued being close to him. I didn't mind that he has a girlfriend. I let myself bleed for something not worth at all.
Patuloy kong iniisip na magkasama silang masaya kahit na alam kong ang sakit sakit na. Bakit ko iniisip yun? How amusing.
Lots of times, I think of ignoring him. You know. Cold treatment. But then again, I end up having happy conversations with him.
Oo. Ang tanga ko. Ang tanga tanga ko dahil nagpapakabulag ako. Hindi ko pinapansing hindi na siya pwede. Kaya patuloy akong nahuhulog sa kanya.
I want to hide from everything. It was all wrong. So I ran and ran as fast as I could, like escaping from reality. But no matter how fast and how far I tried to escape from the real world, I still don't care about what's happening and that, I still want to love him despite and inspite of everything.
Then, the sky poured its tears on the ground. As if it was trying to sway with my feelings–sadness, anger and confusion.
I didn't mind the torrential rain and the strong winds and still continued running.
Then, I saw someone coming my way. He has an umbrella with him. It was him, the guy I love but can't be mine. And he tried to follow me while I kept on escaping.
He was shouting my name. He continued to shout and run so fast that he lost grip on his umbrella. Me? I tried to be deaf. I let him shout and shout until he tore his tonsils apart. "I don't care. Has he ever shown he cared? Never. He just left me hanging and confused."
What I did was ignore,
ignore
and ignore.
That was for not telling the truth, for making me confused, for letting me feel this agony, for not feeling my love, for hurting me, for making me feel he loves me too though he just can't leave the other one, for making me fall for him, for giving me happiness though I have this intense anger at him, for making me smile though I want to cry..
Then, I stopped running. He grabbed my hand and tried to take me somewhere. But I refused to.
"What do you want?"
"Are you crazy? You're soaking wet. Come, let me take you home."
"No! Stop acting like that. You never cared anyway."
"You must be sick. I said, I'm gonna take you home."
"I said I don't want to."
"You're insane!"
"Yes! I am insane! And it's all your fault. You're the cause of all this pain. You made me fall for you but you never knew how much you mean to me. I know you don't need me. You have her! How dare you not say a word to me. We've talked about lots of things. How come you never mentioned a thing about your girlfriend? It hurts a lot that I knew it from something else. I hate you!"
"I'm sorry. It's not supposed to be this way–"
"Stop talking. I don't need to hear you're sorry."
Tears fell from my eyes as I suddenly uttered the words unexpectedly. "I have always loved you. Being there for you is what I always wanted but I know I can't. You have her, she has you. What am I gonna do? I have nothing."
Sometimes, you'd rather choose being hurt than letting go of the feeling. You continue loving a person though you know you can't have him. You manage to handle the pain and continue to make yourself bleed just to make him stay. And what hurts more is you can't let him know how you're really feeling. [Or maybe, you give him ideas, or sometimes clues. But you never reveal how you really feel towards him because of some matters.]
But it hurts more to pretend you never really loved him, when in fact he always meant a lot; to pretend you can let him go, when you want to make him yours.
Love isn't blind, it sees but it never minds.
"But though you caused so much pain, I still chose and choose to love you. It's no one's fault if I feel this way for you. It just came along. I wasn't even aware of its coming. You see, I really, really love you. And I know I still do eventhough you can't love me back."
I tried remove his hand from my arms, but he rebuffed to.
"Now I know. I'm so sorry. The truth is, I have loved you from the start. Maybe I just don't have the courage to let the other one go. But I'm also not couragious enough to hide, let go and try to turn my back on the way I feel for you. Yes, I have her and we've been together for years. But it was you whom I want to share my happiness with, it was always you whom I think of everyday, it was you who always make me smile during downfalls, it has always been you whom I love so much that it hurts a lot that I can't spend more time with you. I'm sorry for letting you feel this anguish. It's just that, I became desperate of having you that I didn't want you to know of what's happening."
Together with the rain, he came towards me and tried to catch my every breath–as he kissed me.
You can never really know what's going to happen. In love, you have to take risks. And you'll always end up being happy. All the pain and sacrifices will be reciprocated.
Spread love this Valentine's Day.
Advanced Happy Valentine's to one and all.
