Negativity.

January 17, 2007

Imagine a girl walking around the school. She knows every person she sees. She smiles at them, gives them a wave, says hello and everybody waves back and smiles.

 

Inside the classroom, she takes every chance to socialize with people. She goes to one corner where people listen to music, talks to them and listens too. She then transfers to a group of girls talking about girl stuff and mingles with them. A group of camwhores, singers, guitarists, nerds, calogs, everybody. And actually, she's everyone's friend.

 

It's really nice to get along with people and it's always a pleasure to be noticed by them. But she feels like something's missing.

 

Is it because she's with herself all the time? Hmm. No. In fact, she's got some company.

 

Does she feel like everyone hates her around?

 

Does she want more and more friends and still not contented with the number of people she spends time with?

 

No, no and no.

 

Why am I feeling this? Maybe, things are really changing.

 

Me. I know I've changed. But, bringing my old self back isn't what I want. I don't want to be someone lame and quiet again. I just want some stuff back to what they were. I don't know why. But I think some things aren't right.

 

Am I happy at school?

 

Am I happy at home?

 

Am I happy with my friends?

 

Yes I am. But sometimes, happiness is empty

 

Friends. I enjoy being with them. You can see it in my laughters and smiles. Those silly stories we share, some funny stuff. All those going-at-the-canteen together, those tambayans, those chika marathons. But, am I really happy? Well, maybe I'm happy with what we're doing. But I just can't find that something everyone's looking for. That thing, that kind of happiness with just being with them, even without those silliness and jokes–why can't I find it?

 

And now, the million-dollar question of why. Why can't I answer it?

 

Is it me? Or I just don't feel like I'm with them though I really am because I don't fit in?

 

That's it. I feel like I don't belong.

 

Ask why to myself again and again. Isn't there anything else to do?

 

If I really don't belong, why am I always with them?

 

Why do they call me everytime they'll be doing something or going somewhere?

 

Is it really the fact that they enjoy my company? Or they just want something from me?

 

I don't know.

 

Do I really want to know?

 

I'm not sure.

 

=(